New Lessons

My chest aches. I realize that what I thought was heartache is actually something physical...The ache of muscles not used in weeks.....

Breathing Muscles.

I just realized I haven't taken a deep, cleansing, full chest breath in weeks. Quick gasps. That's it. That's all.

My hip hurts. A pain deep in the joint. A pain I can't pinpoint or relate to specific injury.  A pain that prevents me from taking a step, from moving forward.  A physical pain- but maybe related to unfinished emotional business?


This last week has been full of gifts.  Some beautiful and easy, others not quickly or simply received.  Some so exciting that I rip the paper off and break the ribbon. Others I slowly open with trepidation about what's inside.  But gifts all....to receive and learn from and to incorporate into my life.

What a fantastic journey I've been on that I can frame these lessons in a way that makes it easy to accept the beauty in them.  Especially in the hard ones.  But it hasn't been a particularly short journey and the ache in my body reminds me that I am not quite finished yet.

"What's going on?" So many of you have asked....thank you for caring, and praying and loving and supporting even though I haven't shared details with you. And I still can't, not yet...God isn't through with it all yet. 


But the essence of it is this: this week I waved a flag of surrender....this is not something I do easily. I have been working so hard to maintain a tight-ship semblance of sanity within our schedule, and God kept bringing me back to the path he set before me and the realization that I was clearly not walking it.  He kept bringing up the truth that doing godly work and working for God were two different things, and teaching me the lesson that I am sure the Old Testament prophets learned the hard way too.  Sometimes the people you are sent to help are not ready to hear God's message.  It is not my job to make sure they receive the gift, only that it is delivered.

These are just some of the gifts I received this week....and I am still learning.  I am learning that God will take my pain away, both physically and emotionally, but I have to be willing to let it go.  I'm learning that he holds me up and holds me tight even when I choose to wander around in the desert. I'm learning that I am strong enough with Him to forge a path on my own, without someone else to copy.

And if all that wasn't enough, I learned a little about brokenness and healing, too.

I guess you could say it was a big week!

I'm still processing, still learning, and still trying to live what I've learned this far.  God is still handing me  presents, and I am still opening them.  Perhaps soon, I will show you where I've been and what I've learned, but for now know this- every one of your prayers was felt and every one of your virtual hugs was needed and embraced.  Keep praying me through this journey, as I am praying for you. Love to you all!

What about you? What gifts has God given you this week?

Calling in my Prayer Warriors: Love, Loss and Grief

"Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. 

Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking." - Henri Nouwen

Ah, Henri, how your words speak to me today.  

I always think of leaving and loss and grief in the physical sense...as in leaving a job, or family or friends and grief as in the death of a loved one or the loss of a close friend. I forget until I am in the thick of the mourning that grief and loss and leaving all happen more regularly in the death of an idea or the loss of the way that you thought something would be.  It always catches me off guard in a way and I find myself in the middle of the grieving process without any real idea how I got here.  There is a work to be done in me there, and God is proving faithful in that work.

But, oh, my friends, my heart is torn asunder. I sit in the midst of not just the loss of an idea, but of an ideal, and I am not sure how to proceed.  Shall I hold tightly in the clenched fist of my own stubbornness what I believe to be the reason for who I am at this moment and lose so many things that I have come to love? Or shall I acquiesce, submit to authority and do things in a way that I don't feel is authentic to my own journey in the hopes of being able to inject my heart somewhere along the way?

I am certain of two things: God called me to this place (I mean both spiritually and physically) and Satan opposes it in a great and mighty way. What I am not certain of at this point is why I am here and what I am supposed to do at this juncture.  Perhaps I was merely called for a short time here to open eyes and give me experiences that I would not otherwise have.  Perhaps, as a friend gently reminded me recently, that it is Satan's lie that whispers "You are done here. Move on." 

Please, dear friends, I stand at a crossroads.  Battle weary and fatigued, out of breath and tired of being buffeted by the storm. I need your prayers.  I know that God will guide me with His peace if I will allow it.  Pray for that peace to fall on me today. That God's guidance will be clear and easily discerned. Pray that I will have the wisdom to know the difference between my fleshy desire to BE right and God's RIGHT PLAN for this place. Pray that I will have the strength to choose God's right plan, even if it does not align with my own. 

Thank you, sweet friends, for listening. For supporting. And above all, for praying.I love you all.

I am off to spend some time seeking God's wisdom and I am so thankful that God designed such a perfect day for that, knowing exactly what I would need today.  

What about you? Can I pray for you today?