I just realized I haven't taken a deep, cleansing, full chest breath in weeks. Quick gasps. That's it. That's all.
My hip hurts. A pain deep in the joint. A pain I can't pinpoint or relate to specific injury. A pain that prevents me from taking a step, from moving forward. A physical pain- but maybe related to unfinished emotional business?
This last week has been full of gifts. Some beautiful and easy, others not quickly or simply received. Some so exciting that I rip the paper off and break the ribbon. Others I slowly open with trepidation about what's inside. But gifts all....to receive and learn from and to incorporate into my life.
What a fantastic journey I've been on that I can frame these lessons in a way that makes it easy to accept the beauty in them. Especially in the hard ones. But it hasn't been a particularly short journey and the ache in my body reminds me that I am not quite finished yet.
"What's going on?" So many of you have asked....thank you for caring, and praying and loving and supporting even though I haven't shared details with you. And I still can't, not yet...God isn't through with it all yet.
But the essence of it is this: this week I waved a flag of surrender....this is not something I do easily. I have been working so hard to maintain a tight-ship semblance of sanity within our schedule, and God kept bringing me back to the path he set before me and the realization that I was clearly not walking it. He kept bringing up the truth that doing godly work and working for God were two different things, and teaching me the lesson that I am sure the Old Testament prophets learned the hard way too. Sometimes the people you are sent to help are not ready to hear God's message. It is not my job to make sure they receive the gift, only that it is delivered.
These are just some of the gifts I received this week....and I am still learning. I am learning that God will take my pain away, both physically and emotionally, but I have to be willing to let it go. I'm learning that he holds me up and holds me tight even when I choose to wander around in the desert. I'm learning that I am strong enough with Him to forge a path on my own, without someone else to copy.
And if all that wasn't enough, I learned a little about brokenness and healing, too.
I guess you could say it was a big week!
I'm still processing, still learning, and still trying to live what I've learned this far. God is still handing me presents, and I am still opening them. Perhaps soon, I will show you where I've been and what I've learned, but for now know this- every one of your prayers was felt and every one of your virtual hugs was needed and embraced. Keep praying me through this journey, as I am praying for you. Love to you all!