"Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking." - Henri Nouwen
Ah, Henri, how your words speak to me today.
I always think of leaving and loss and grief in the physical sense...as in leaving a job, or family or friends and grief as in the death of a loved one or the loss of a close friend. I forget until I am in the thick of the mourning that grief and loss and leaving all happen more regularly in the death of an idea or the loss of the way that you thought something would be. It always catches me off guard in a way and I find myself in the middle of the grieving process without any real idea how I got here. There is a work to be done in me there, and God is proving faithful in that work.
But, oh, my friends, my heart is torn asunder. I sit in the midst of not just the loss of an idea, but of an ideal, and I am not sure how to proceed. Shall I hold tightly in the clenched fist of my own stubbornness what I believe to be the reason for who I am at this moment and lose so many things that I have come to love? Or shall I acquiesce, submit to authority and do things in a way that I don't feel is authentic to my own journey in the hopes of being able to inject my heart somewhere along the way?
I am certain of two things: God called me to this place (I mean both spiritually and physically) and Satan opposes it in a great and mighty way. What I am not certain of at this point is why I am here and what I am supposed to do at this juncture. Perhaps I was merely called for a short time here to open eyes and give me experiences that I would not otherwise have. Perhaps, as a friend gently reminded me recently, that it is Satan's lie that whispers "You are done here. Move on."
Please, dear friends, I stand at a crossroads. Battle weary and fatigued, out of breath and tired of being buffeted by the storm. I need your prayers. I know that God will guide me with His peace if I will allow it. Pray for that peace to fall on me today. That God's guidance will be clear and easily discerned. Pray that I will have the wisdom to know the difference between my fleshy desire to BE right and God's RIGHT PLAN for this place. Pray that I will have the strength to choose God's right plan, even if it does not align with my own.
Thank you, sweet friends, for listening. For supporting. And above all, for praying.I love you all.
I am off to spend some time seeking God's wisdom and I am so thankful that God designed such a perfect day for that, knowing exactly what I would need today.
What about you? Can I pray for you today?
