Oh, Girls, where do I begin? I'm not sure...let's go back a couple of weeks to April 22-25...I had the awesome opportunity to join 406 other women at "Captivating" in Fraser, Colorado. Captivating is based on John and Stasi Eldredge's book, Captivating: Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman's Soul. If you have not read it, Girls, don't read another book until you have read this one! I am serious....do it now!
Anyway, after years of trying to get to one of these conferences: it finally happened! My friend and I traveled by plane to Denver, and then by shuttle bus the two hours to Fraser. I volunteered to be one of the four shuttle commanders- which entailed a little more than I had imagined. I was thinking more shuttle van than shuttle charter bus...200 women, 4 buses, 4 very different shuttle bus commander personalities- it's a good thing I'm a teambuilding coach...just sayin...
Fortunately all that military leadership training didn't fail me:
We ended up snowed in on the mountain...it snowed ALOT...beautiful...which forced me (and i needed it) to STOP and BE. To REST and LISTEN. God met me there and I am forever grateful for the renewal I experienced.
Transitioning has been a bit more difficult than I thought and getting back to the "real" world while trying to cling to the truths I learned while on the "mountain top" (figuratively and literally) has been a jarring experience. Frankly, and this is completely outside my normal M.O., I haven't wanted to be around people at all...I just want to sit with God, bask in His love for me, feel the weight of His delight in me....ah, what a lovely , soul refreshing place to be! But he calls me to be in the world, so I can be of use to Him and well that's where I need to be...I don't have the words yet to fully describe what happened to me and for me up there on that snowy mountain....so I apologize if I don't make sense...maybe soon...;)
So that is where I am...preparing to give a Strings Attached presentation on May 15 and working through where God wants me and this ministry he's given me. Lots of writing to come....you may want to subscribe...some of the best stuff I've ever written is flowing from my pen these days...God is showing me so much and I pray that my human words can do it justice....Until then, I will share a journal entry from my first morning quiet time at the retreat:
Big fluffy snowflakes fall, muffling the sounds of four hundred women beginning to stir. The beauty of the mountains surround me. We have all come here together seeking the same answer to the same question, a question every woman bears- "Am I captivating?"
We all ask it different ways-but it is the ageless question on every woman's heart. On mine.
"Lord, am I beautiful? Am I truly yours, Lord? Do you really love ME so much that you would send you son to DIE...FOR ME?
I wish I could say that I am a woman who didn't need that question constantly answered. I wish that the blessed assurance that I am God's BELOVED DAUGHTER- bought and paid for...no RANSOMED..by the blood of Jesus Christ would sit, would stay put in my heart forever. But the understanding of that sacrifice escapes daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute.
The world and the enemy of my soul they tell me it's not true, they tell me I am not lovely, I am not captivating, I am not beloved....even worse- they tell me I am not His.
And I wish, God, I pray, that I did not believe that lie so often. So Lord, I come to ask you , "Do you see me? Am I lovely? Am I yours, Lord?
In this room, where others are asking the same question in each their own special way...I hear You shout, not whisper, but cry out a definitive, "YES!" And my heart cries out in joy...in response.
I see it now, all around me...your extravagant love for me...like a beau bringing flowers to his lady. I see it in the fluffy snowflakes on my eyelashes- like kisses form God. And in the beautiful smiles of the sister hearts I meet all around me. And the breathtaking views of the mountains. And the vivid blue of the sky. And I hear it in the 400 voices raised in song and worship, and the shouts of praise and the whispered prayers of intercessors. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for meeting me here. For bringing me here. For loving me here. I love You.
"I kept running around it in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness.
Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved". Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence."
